The Republican Evangelical

Here is the Republican Evangelical Catechism and Primer edited for brevity and stomach comfort. God is an American who owns everything and has set up his empire in the United States that is a loose confederation of sovereign states that worships him and him alone. God is also heterosexual though he does not engage is sex since he invented it to allow for the reproduction of beings he called man. He created women as an after thought and made them subject to men. He chose the Jews first but they did not show enough return on his initial investment so when he sent his Son as the new CEO he got all of his stock options returned and he then set about making everyone an American if they were white, male, property owners of European decent. He founded the United States as the New Israel where he wrote a constitution setting up the new nation as his special package. They were short on labor and long on land so he revealed the doctrine of Manifest Destiny and called for the relocation of the Native Peoples. the Invasion of the Spanish territories and the importation of African slaves. He also did this to teach them about him. Now there are pagans in the land of the Founding Fathers teaching a new and dangerous doctrine of equality and liberty for everyone and he is calling for his soldiers to wage one of his favorite pastimes which is war so as to eject the usurpers from this Land of Prosperity. As a sign of his blessing he places on the forehead of all his true followers as a sign of his blessing the dollar sign.His righteous servants worship him in grand palaces and the less righteous in smaller venues purchased at Wallyworld. The God of the Republican Evangelical calls for the absolute defense of all things wealthy!


1 Comment

  1. Extremely clever summation of Republican Christian orthodoxy!

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