Consumer driven rituals


Recently the Church of England decide to try a new approach in if not stopping at least curtailing its ever shrinking membership. Like its daughter in the US it has turned to consultants and marketing experts to “re-make” its image/brand. Apparently turning to God is rather old fashioned and even imperial so to avoid any appearance of relying on the past it has proposed a new trial baptismal ritual to make people more comfortable with the product or to use the jargon of the day “a user friendly” rite. For those who are not at ease with the concept of the Devil or even sin not to worry the new brand accommodates their sensibilities by removing the offending language or if you prefer the archaic language of the “traditional rite”.

So I thought how would a comedian who unlike consultants can make very formerly serious matters funny handle such a new take on that ancient ritual of baptism. It goes something like this:

Priest or otherwise known as the collar dude or dudedess: Do you or can you or might you want to douse, wash, sprinkle, which ever term you feel is appropriate, this sentient being who is infantile, in the name of God or whatever or whomever you feel might be a cosmic significant other?

People acting as stand-ins or witnesses or participants or simply had nothing better to do at this time on this date: Yes and perhaps kind of, and oh, OK.

Priest or otherwise known as the collar dude or dudedess. Do you renounce or at least not approve of or feel very uncool with bad things formerly called “evil”? Do you also have any regrets or bad feelings towards when you know you have not been so cool kinda like when you know you made a selfie at a funeral and promise or hope to promise that you will do better in future?

People acting as stand-ins or witnesses or participants or simply had nothing better to do at this time on this date: LOL, OMG of course!

Priest or otherwise known as the collar dude or dudedess: Cool, now that we have all the data in the appropriate venue I will administer or if you prefer conclude the dousing, washing, sprinkling, or what ever term you feel is appropriate and launch the new programme for the little tyke and get the party started!

Name of the little tyke, “I touch your head with properly warmed room temperature H2o to signify whatever it is you want signified. Amen Awoman, Aboy Agirl yadda yadda yadda

My apologies to comedians everywhere.

Rev Andrew Gentry

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